I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
