Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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