I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
