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You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
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