You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
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Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.