Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?