That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
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Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
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She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick