Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
