he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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