You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
