My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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