I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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