someone threw a dead crab at me
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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