Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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