the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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