remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
