Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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