If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
