I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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