i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Found the puke drawer
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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