mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
