i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
