WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
