I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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