Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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