Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
