I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I smell like Dick and happiness
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
