I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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