and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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