You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.