Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.