I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.