so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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