I cannot find my penis.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
