There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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