i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
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His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
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What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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