life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
