return my video game
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
