so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
