i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
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I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
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Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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