one word: firstdatebathroomanal
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
