Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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