I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
