what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
