get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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