whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
