I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
