Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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