Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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