he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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