I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
