my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
