she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
i think i just lost a toe
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
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