So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
