Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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