Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
