Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
