Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
