Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
50% drunk capacity currently
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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