shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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